Grief

I was just listening to last-fm and the Fray - How to save a life was playing a song that had meaning for many years but now it seems trivial and immature.

A good friend took his life 6 weeks ago due to severe depression and it seems there was very little anyone could do, nothing I could say that would change much. I wished that I had the opportunity to tell him the things that I wrote in his tribute but deep down surely he must have known how much I appreciated him, why else would I have spent so much time with him. The truth was masked by a chemical inbalance in his brain, I still remember him as a strong man that I looked up to and I never quite realised how troubled he was.

I went with his widow to find a spot to scatter the ashes at the weekend and just felt so numb, I found it difficult to get upset. I couldn't even be happy at my brother telling me his girlfriend was pregnant last night, it didn''t help that i didn't believe him after all he is a joker like me, its how we cope.

It reminded me of one of the first blogs a wrote several years ago at a difficult time in my personal life reflecting on a life that seems so rehearsed, it couldn't feel any more true at the moment. Events that happen in your life that are meant to make things feel real just seem like a dull continuous story. I had a blood test this morning for a ongoing health issue and the needle kind of hurt more than previously (although I try to be a man about these things), but it didn't seem to wake me from feeling like I am sleep walking all the time.

The morning motorway commute worryingly feels like I am on autopilot. Sitting in the office I am trying to focus and get to grips with the research and finish the report due on monday but its not working either, going for a run used to work as well but I just feel continually knackered, the wind and extreme rain over the last few days has helped temporaily but done little overall to wake me, perhaps its my , my health or grief I'm unsure but i just want to wake up.